A Breathing Ghost

          I wish I could form the words to accurately describe how I have been feeling lately. Like I am a shell in which my soul has lifted from my body and is watching me struggle from above. I am a ghost, looking, running, hoping, praying for a distraction from my inability to find a safe haven. It's like there is a silence in my soul, an echo in my bones, a chill in my blood, where I just sit in the sun hoping it will bring some warmth back. It's painful, a bearable pain, but it hurts night after night. I used to be a joyous giver. A lover. Now all I have to offer is a skinny love, shallow and brief, finding any reason to excuse myself from others presence. That's what hurts the most. I have never felt so worthless or disposable, so wretched or cold. This void of loneliness is so consuming, it's like there's times when it is all I can think about. The feeling of being alone in a crowded room. Talking to people but having zero clue what the conversation is about, just going through the motions of what I am "supposed" to do without actually being present in what is happening. Going to class just for the sake of being there. Zoning out is the only thing that can get me through the hour without feeling that consuming fire pulsing through my veins. I need help. I want help, but I can't ask. I have no one to ask. I need to get my life back to the way it was. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I can't answer what it is I am supposed to feel like, but this can't be it. This can't be it. Lord hear my prayer... I am coming to you with an overwhelmed heart, an aching soul drained from life, to lead me back to You. To fill this empty body back up with your love, to overflow Your joy into my bones, to speak Your truth into my heart. To hold my hand and wrap me in Your arms. Knowing that You are with me in my head just doesn't feel like enough right now. I want to feel Your presence and hear Your voice. A sign of Your glory to destroy my doubt. I hate this doubt with the same passion that I have of love for You, with the intensity of my grief. Please, let me feel your grace.

Jess