Treading the Valley
Let me just start by quoting some lyrics from one of my recently decided favorite songs:
"O how high would I climb mountains
If the mountains were where you hide
O how far I'd scale the valleys
If you graced the other side
O how long have I chased rivers
From lowly seas to where they rise
Against the rush of grace descending
From the source of it's supply
In the highlands and the heartache
You're neither more or less inclined
I would search and stop at nothing
You're just not that hard to fly
So I will praise you on the mountain
And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
You're the summit where my feet are
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
You're the heaven where my heart is
In the highlands and the heartache all the same
O how far beneath You're glory
Does Your kindness extend the path
From where Your feet rest on the sunrise
To where You sweep the sinner's past
O how fast would you come running
If just to shadow me through the night
Trace my steps through all my failure
And walk me out the other side
For who could dare ascend that mountain
That valleyed hill called calvary
But for the One I call Good Shepherd
Who like a lamb was slain for me
Whatever I walk through
Wherever I am
Your name can move mountains
Wherever I stand
And if I ever walk through
The valley of death
I'll sing through the shadows
My song of ascent
From the gravest of all valleys
Come the pastures we call grace
A mighty river flowing upwards
From a deep but empty grave."
So today is just an average Thursday in the 6th week of the first semester of my junior year in college, and this is one of the songs that was played in Chapel today. And I don't have a good reason for why, but I just felt as though I was having to hold back tears. Like I am walking through this valley searching for God, and I am looking so hard because I have been so astray from Him lately. I have been frantic and panicked trying to find the Lord, yet he has been walking my footsteps with me this whole time. If I stop searching I will find Him because he is already with me. Which is such a simple realization but such a complex action to stop running and just letting God come to you.
Anyways, that was my thoughts during chapel today, and I think that a large factor that has been making me feel "off" is that I have been snap chatting a boy. His name is Nolan and I met him through my friend Trent when I went to college station. They are on the club volleyball team together, so well, actually, we hung out with Nolan the last two times I went to visit college station.
Well, after the second time, I dm'd him on instagram because it was the only way I had to talk to him, and I mean if I'm being honest, I really wanted to talk to him. So I dm'd him and we ended up adding each other on snapchat. Well we had been snapping for a couple of weeks, and then last weekend I went to college station and on Sunday before I left to come back to Abilene, I went and saw him. I know, risky move. So I went over to his house and he drove us to Canes where we had lunch and just talked for a while, which was pretty fun, I mean he's from the north so it was interesting to hear him just like talk about what it is like to be in Texas, and the whole Whataburger phenomenon. But we just kind of got to know each other a little bit better, and had a good time. Plus he paid for my meal which was really nice because he totally did not have to do that.
But at this point I was like, "Okay, I think I really have to head back to Abilene now" because it was already like 4:30 and I did not want to have to drive back in the dark. So we drive back to his apartment and walk inside, and I was expecting to just say goodbye, but then he asks if I want to watch a movie. And I knew I should say no because I had to leave, so obviously I said sure. I know, I know, another risky move. But he gave me the remote and told me to choose a movie, so of course I chose a scary movie because it is spooky season (plus that way we could cuddle but shhh), spooky season was a good cover. So we watched this movie called "In The Tall Grass". It was not scary at all and was probably one of the worst movies that Netflix had put out, but it was okay because my head was on his chest the whole time, and he had his arm around me and would like stroke my arm, or my head, or rest his hand on my hip, which at first gave me GOOSEBUMPS. Like, I really got chills on my whole body, but I also kind of loved it, like I don't know it was just a good time. And then also since the movie was so bad and confusing we were able to joke about it and talk throughout it, that way it was not just us sitting in silence the whole time, because that would have been awkward. Once the movie was over, I did not want to leave either. Like I was stalling so hard, and this kid tells me to just stay there and not go back to Abilene, but unfortunately I have responsibilities here and so I had to come back. But it was just a really good time and we just like hugged bye. I thought he might try to kiss me but I'm not sure if I would have wanted that or not, so I kind of liked that he didn't even try because I feel like a lot of guys would have. Anyways though, we are still snap chatting and so I don't know if anything will happen with this or if it will just die out but it has been on my mind a lot lately.
I am in the process of trying to figure out what to do. I want to keep talking to him, but also I don't want to date anyone who lives over 4 hours away in college, but then really lives in Chicago while my family is from San Antonio, TX. I don't know, it just seems really hard so I don't really know what I am wanting to get out of this, but I also know that I don't want to stop talking to him either. But, if I'm being honest, I think I am really just scared of that if I admit to myself that I actually might be catching feels for this boy because I don't really know how he feels about this whole thing, or if he has even put any thought into it. Because I don't want to be a clown who lets myself fall for a boy who doesn't care. Haha been there, done that, and I don't really want to do that again. Like there are some times when I feel like it could work, like yesterday he sent me a video of himself just sitting outside on his porch watching people walk their dogs because he wanted to see their dogs, like come on. That's so attractive, but also there are times when he will just leave me on read for a couple of hours before responding. I don't want to over think it too much or get caught up in this dating age, where dumb things like that matter, but at the same time, I do live in this dating age, so I don't really know what to think. Like, I mean at least until now he always will respond eventually, but also we aren't really having an actual conversation which kind of sucks, because I want to be having an actual conversation, I just can't tell if he wants to or not. But at the same time I can't help but feel like if he wanted to be having a real conversation he would initiate one.
Like, okay this is going to sound cheesy and I know it, but like I want to face time him at night and actually be able to talk to him face to face, but I don't even have his phone number and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask for it. Like that is a little too bold. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't want him to ask for mine so we could face time, but I don't really see that happening. So, moral of this whole story is that I am feeling really conflicted. Why do boys have to be so confusing???
Okay, so carrying on this story of my confusion tonight as I am still snap chatting Nolan with NO words, like none, we are literally just going back and forth sending pictures of our faces. So I am contemplating just not responding, which I know probably isn't really that big of a deal, but I don't know if eventually he would ever reach out and make an effort to talk to me. And when I think about it logically that may be good, because I should not be stressing and chasing after a boy who would not put in any effort to talk to me, because I deserve someone who will fight to get to know me, but at the same time I still, for some unknown reason, have caught feels for this boy, and so I don't really want our communication to end. But I am just realizing that I am always trying to "look good" in the pictures that I send him, or I try to be funny so that I can impress him or make him like me back, but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous I think it is. Like I do not need to be putting in this much effort, I should be able to just be myself. I feel like I have to put on this act that I am a "bad bitch" who always looks cute, and always has plans on the weekends but that is not me. I mean I can dress up and go out sometimes, but also I like to stay in sometimes, most of the time really, and I don't want to change out of my big t-shirt or take my hair out of a ponytail. I guess things are just starting to click into my head that I am chasing after this boy too hard. So I think what I am going to do is, instead of just cutting him off and seeing what happens, I am just going to be more honest about who I am instead of putting on this false portrayal of my life to try to get his attention. I don't know if this will make a difference in how we communicate, or if maybe he will just stop responding to me one day, or if this will help, but I think that this will be better for my mental health. Because I could just stop talking to him and rid myself of this stress, but I think that I am just going to try this first and see what happens.
Okay I am RANTING!!!!! So I know that yesterday I was expressing that sometimes I will get left on read for a while before he responds but now that is happening every single time I snap him. Like is this worth it? He will either take like half a day to respond to what I said after it has been opened for hours, or he will respond within minutes I snap him, but then will wait for like 8 hours to open it. Like that is so frustrating because at this point I just don't know why we are even bothering talking to each other (or I guess it is more fitting to say not talking to each other). And I am still in the same spot I was in last night where I don't want our communication to just end suddenly and completely, but I have to admit it is kind of tempting to just be done with this because I find myself getting so frustrated when I open my snapchat app and see that he has opened something hours ago, and then will just send me a random picture of his face later that day. I don't know. I'm conflicted and sad. I don't want to care about this but I do and I am sad that I do because I wish that I didn't.
Okay so I typed this right after I got a snap from him earlier today, and responded and yet again got left on read. So now (I can't stop thinking about it, which I am slightly ashamed of but it's just where I'm at) but anyways so now whenever he responds, if he does respond, I think that I am just going leave it. Like if he doesn't respond then I guess I don't have to worry about it, but if he does respond and it is just a picture with no words, then I think that I am just going to leave it because I really don't like how caught up in this my thoughts are throughout the day. It is really distracting from the other priorities that I have to do. Anyways, those are my thoughts for now, because obviously this has been consuming my mind lately. I am kind of over worrying about it.
Okay so he ended up sending me a snap last night of just his face, no words or anything, so I just left him on opened and went to bed because I was really frustrated. And then this morning while I was getting dressed I ended up putting on my sweatshirt that just says "Texas" on it, and when I saw him in college station we had a conversation about how he thinks its weird that people from Texas will wear shirts or sweatshirts that just say "Texas" on it. So naturally when I put it on it reminded me of this conversation so I sent him a snap of me wearing it and the fact that it said Texas and he opened and didn't respond until like 2 hours later. And. It. Was. Just. A. Picture. Of. His. Face. ... Frustrating. So I was over responding but I did this morning because I thought that it was something that could maybe strike up a conversation, which it did not. So I opened it a few hours ago and I don't thin that I am going to snap him back because I don't know, it sounds lame but it hurts my feelings because I actually like this stupid boy. So in an effort to preserve my own heartache I am just going to not answer and we will see if he makes any sort of attempt to talk to me, because if he doesn't then I have my answer of if he likes me back or not, and I am just going to have to be okay with whatever it is.
Alright, I think that this is the last of it. I made a bold move, and honestly it went about how I expected it to, even though it is not the way I hoped it would be. But today I snapped him through the chat and said something along the lines of "Okay, I am just gonna be straight for a second.. I just don't know what we're doing here" and he responded pretty quickly which I did not expect, but I was at work so I could not check my phone right away. So I saw that he replied but then before I had the chance to see what he said he sent another snap so obviously I was a little nervous. But after I finished that class, the last class of the night, I opened it and it said something like "honestly I don't know what we're doing. What do you think" that was the first snap he sent, and then 20 minutes later he sent "Well I think your cool and cute but I am dealing with some stuff right now and I don't think I an in a good place for a relationship". So a little upsetting but I can appreciate his honesty. So I responded by saying something like "okay cool I think we are on the same page then, sorry it has just been on my mind the last few days", and I don't remember exactly what he said after this, but it was something like "I just have a lot of shit I'm dealing with right now". So I said "yeah I get that, Im sorry, I don't know how much help it would be but if you ever need anything, even just to talk, I got you". And then he said "alright thanks". And then I didn't respond because obviously like the conversation was over. So I guess in a way I am glad that now I know because if you have read anything until this point, it had been causing some chaos and confusion in my mind, but also like that stings a little bit. Like this is what I didn't want because now I already know that we are probably just never gonna talk again and like, that sucks. That really freaking sucks, but I mean I get that we won't because why would we. I don't know. Shit. Im gonna go listen to a sad playlist.
Okay so I thought that we weren't gonna talk again, but he is still snapping me. And like I haven't responded to a couple, but he is still snap chatting me so i'm confused.
Alright I thought that we were gonna be done with this. I was sure it was over but I was mistaken. So basically I had been ignoring him for a couple of days, but then one morning I got a notification that it was his birthday so (maybe I should have just left it) but I snap chatted him happy birthday. Once we exchanged the b day snaps I left him on read again and didn't respond. But every time that I have stopped responding to him, within a day or two he will send me another snap. Not with any words, just his face, but he will always send something... what does that mean? So anyways my point is that we are still kind of talking and I have plans to go to college station this weekend to watch Trents last volleyball game with Madison and Michelle, he has a tournament this weekend, but, unfortunately, Nolan is on the volleyball team as well... so, I will probably end up seeing him. And I know I am dramatizing this whole thing but I am stressed about it and it is frustrating because because I pretend like I don't care but I definitely DO care.
Okay so its been a couple of weeks since this happened but I guess I will finish the story. So I went to the volleyball tournament on Friday with Madison and we ended up being late and ended up missing their game, but we still stayed to watch the other teams play, and we were just sitting in the stands watching and whenever Trent was free from having to help with reffing or keeping score he would come sit with us. But Nolan was the one reffing the game and at one point he came kind of close to where me and Madison were sitting I guess because his friends were over there and so we made eye contact and he was like "did y'all see us get demolished by them?" (apparently they lost really bad) but anyways we just had a really short conversation about how we missed the game, and then he went back to talking to his friends and then reffing. That was all we saw of him that night. And then Saturday apparently they had a tournament that went all day so basically me madison and michelle were at the rec all day watching them play, BUT Nolan had work that day so he never came to play, which honestly I had mixed emotions about because I kind of wanted to see him and see him play, but also I didn't want to see him because it was awkward and weird and just felt uncomfortable. But he never showed so I guess it worked out. Then Saturday night we were gonna go over to Nathan's house for a little get together with just a few of the volleyball players to celebrate their last tournament, so me Madison and Michelle were getting ready at Madison's, and when Trent got there he told me that Nolan was going to be there. And I mean when he said that I almost started feeling sick like it made me so nervous. So I did not want to go at all, I legit faked feeling sick and went to bed so that they would go without me. And the next morning they said that when they got there that Nolan had just left so it would have been fine but whatever it was probably best that I did not go anyways I was so freaking flustered. But anyways the conclusion of the Nolan saga is that when I was driving back home to Abilene I snapchatted him and told him that, well actually i'll just quote it. I said "hey can I ask you something, or I guess tell you something?
Okay well im just gonna send this regardless but somewhere along the road I guess I kinda caught feels, like a little bit. BUT I know that that is not anything that you want...
so my point is that like can we just not snap for a while cause like idk its hard" That is what I said, I know embarrassing right. But anyways he responded by like saying sorry and he never meant to make things hard for me but he gets it and understands and apologized again. And I opened it, read it, and did not respond. Instead I cried. I CRIED!!!! OVER THIS BOY!??? who am I? whatever I guess I did kind of catch feels more than I thought but oh well now it is over and we haven't talked since. So theres the conclusion:/
"O how high would I climb mountains
If the mountains were where you hide
O how far I'd scale the valleys
If you graced the other side
O how long have I chased rivers
From lowly seas to where they rise
Against the rush of grace descending
From the source of it's supply
In the highlands and the heartache
You're neither more or less inclined
I would search and stop at nothing
You're just not that hard to fly
So I will praise you on the mountain
And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
You're the summit where my feet are
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
No less God within the shadows
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
You're the heaven where my heart is
In the highlands and the heartache all the same
O how far beneath You're glory
Does Your kindness extend the path
From where Your feet rest on the sunrise
To where You sweep the sinner's past
O how fast would you come running
If just to shadow me through the night
Trace my steps through all my failure
And walk me out the other side
For who could dare ascend that mountain
That valleyed hill called calvary
But for the One I call Good Shepherd
Who like a lamb was slain for me
Whatever I walk through
Wherever I am
Your name can move mountains
Wherever I stand
And if I ever walk through
The valley of death
I'll sing through the shadows
My song of ascent
From the gravest of all valleys
Come the pastures we call grace
A mighty river flowing upwards
From a deep but empty grave."
So today is just an average Thursday in the 6th week of the first semester of my junior year in college, and this is one of the songs that was played in Chapel today. And I don't have a good reason for why, but I just felt as though I was having to hold back tears. Like I am walking through this valley searching for God, and I am looking so hard because I have been so astray from Him lately. I have been frantic and panicked trying to find the Lord, yet he has been walking my footsteps with me this whole time. If I stop searching I will find Him because he is already with me. Which is such a simple realization but such a complex action to stop running and just letting God come to you.
Anyways, that was my thoughts during chapel today, and I think that a large factor that has been making me feel "off" is that I have been snap chatting a boy. His name is Nolan and I met him through my friend Trent when I went to college station. They are on the club volleyball team together, so well, actually, we hung out with Nolan the last two times I went to visit college station.
Well, after the second time, I dm'd him on instagram because it was the only way I had to talk to him, and I mean if I'm being honest, I really wanted to talk to him. So I dm'd him and we ended up adding each other on snapchat. Well we had been snapping for a couple of weeks, and then last weekend I went to college station and on Sunday before I left to come back to Abilene, I went and saw him. I know, risky move. So I went over to his house and he drove us to Canes where we had lunch and just talked for a while, which was pretty fun, I mean he's from the north so it was interesting to hear him just like talk about what it is like to be in Texas, and the whole Whataburger phenomenon. But we just kind of got to know each other a little bit better, and had a good time. Plus he paid for my meal which was really nice because he totally did not have to do that.
But at this point I was like, "Okay, I think I really have to head back to Abilene now" because it was already like 4:30 and I did not want to have to drive back in the dark. So we drive back to his apartment and walk inside, and I was expecting to just say goodbye, but then he asks if I want to watch a movie. And I knew I should say no because I had to leave, so obviously I said sure. I know, I know, another risky move. But he gave me the remote and told me to choose a movie, so of course I chose a scary movie because it is spooky season (plus that way we could cuddle but shhh), spooky season was a good cover. So we watched this movie called "In The Tall Grass". It was not scary at all and was probably one of the worst movies that Netflix had put out, but it was okay because my head was on his chest the whole time, and he had his arm around me and would like stroke my arm, or my head, or rest his hand on my hip, which at first gave me GOOSEBUMPS. Like, I really got chills on my whole body, but I also kind of loved it, like I don't know it was just a good time. And then also since the movie was so bad and confusing we were able to joke about it and talk throughout it, that way it was not just us sitting in silence the whole time, because that would have been awkward. Once the movie was over, I did not want to leave either. Like I was stalling so hard, and this kid tells me to just stay there and not go back to Abilene, but unfortunately I have responsibilities here and so I had to come back. But it was just a really good time and we just like hugged bye. I thought he might try to kiss me but I'm not sure if I would have wanted that or not, so I kind of liked that he didn't even try because I feel like a lot of guys would have. Anyways though, we are still snap chatting and so I don't know if anything will happen with this or if it will just die out but it has been on my mind a lot lately.
I am in the process of trying to figure out what to do. I want to keep talking to him, but also I don't want to date anyone who lives over 4 hours away in college, but then really lives in Chicago while my family is from San Antonio, TX. I don't know, it just seems really hard so I don't really know what I am wanting to get out of this, but I also know that I don't want to stop talking to him either. But, if I'm being honest, I think I am really just scared of that if I admit to myself that I actually might be catching feels for this boy because I don't really know how he feels about this whole thing, or if he has even put any thought into it. Because I don't want to be a clown who lets myself fall for a boy who doesn't care. Haha been there, done that, and I don't really want to do that again. Like there are some times when I feel like it could work, like yesterday he sent me a video of himself just sitting outside on his porch watching people walk their dogs because he wanted to see their dogs, like come on. That's so attractive, but also there are times when he will just leave me on read for a couple of hours before responding. I don't want to over think it too much or get caught up in this dating age, where dumb things like that matter, but at the same time, I do live in this dating age, so I don't really know what to think. Like, I mean at least until now he always will respond eventually, but also we aren't really having an actual conversation which kind of sucks, because I want to be having an actual conversation, I just can't tell if he wants to or not. But at the same time I can't help but feel like if he wanted to be having a real conversation he would initiate one.
Like, okay this is going to sound cheesy and I know it, but like I want to face time him at night and actually be able to talk to him face to face, but I don't even have his phone number and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask for it. Like that is a little too bold. But I would be lying if I said that I didn't want him to ask for mine so we could face time, but I don't really see that happening. So, moral of this whole story is that I am feeling really conflicted. Why do boys have to be so confusing???
Okay, so carrying on this story of my confusion tonight as I am still snap chatting Nolan with NO words, like none, we are literally just going back and forth sending pictures of our faces. So I am contemplating just not responding, which I know probably isn't really that big of a deal, but I don't know if eventually he would ever reach out and make an effort to talk to me. And when I think about it logically that may be good, because I should not be stressing and chasing after a boy who would not put in any effort to talk to me, because I deserve someone who will fight to get to know me, but at the same time I still, for some unknown reason, have caught feels for this boy, and so I don't really want our communication to end. But I am just realizing that I am always trying to "look good" in the pictures that I send him, or I try to be funny so that I can impress him or make him like me back, but the more I think about it, the more ridiculous I think it is. Like I do not need to be putting in this much effort, I should be able to just be myself. I feel like I have to put on this act that I am a "bad bitch" who always looks cute, and always has plans on the weekends but that is not me. I mean I can dress up and go out sometimes, but also I like to stay in sometimes, most of the time really, and I don't want to change out of my big t-shirt or take my hair out of a ponytail. I guess things are just starting to click into my head that I am chasing after this boy too hard. So I think what I am going to do is, instead of just cutting him off and seeing what happens, I am just going to be more honest about who I am instead of putting on this false portrayal of my life to try to get his attention. I don't know if this will make a difference in how we communicate, or if maybe he will just stop responding to me one day, or if this will help, but I think that this will be better for my mental health. Because I could just stop talking to him and rid myself of this stress, but I think that I am just going to try this first and see what happens.
Okay I am RANTING!!!!! So I know that yesterday I was expressing that sometimes I will get left on read for a while before he responds but now that is happening every single time I snap him. Like is this worth it? He will either take like half a day to respond to what I said after it has been opened for hours, or he will respond within minutes I snap him, but then will wait for like 8 hours to open it. Like that is so frustrating because at this point I just don't know why we are even bothering talking to each other (or I guess it is more fitting to say not talking to each other). And I am still in the same spot I was in last night where I don't want our communication to just end suddenly and completely, but I have to admit it is kind of tempting to just be done with this because I find myself getting so frustrated when I open my snapchat app and see that he has opened something hours ago, and then will just send me a random picture of his face later that day. I don't know. I'm conflicted and sad. I don't want to care about this but I do and I am sad that I do because I wish that I didn't.
Okay so I typed this right after I got a snap from him earlier today, and responded and yet again got left on read. So now (I can't stop thinking about it, which I am slightly ashamed of but it's just where I'm at) but anyways so now whenever he responds, if he does respond, I think that I am just going leave it. Like if he doesn't respond then I guess I don't have to worry about it, but if he does respond and it is just a picture with no words, then I think that I am just going to leave it because I really don't like how caught up in this my thoughts are throughout the day. It is really distracting from the other priorities that I have to do. Anyways, those are my thoughts for now, because obviously this has been consuming my mind lately. I am kind of over worrying about it.
Okay so he ended up sending me a snap last night of just his face, no words or anything, so I just left him on opened and went to bed because I was really frustrated. And then this morning while I was getting dressed I ended up putting on my sweatshirt that just says "Texas" on it, and when I saw him in college station we had a conversation about how he thinks its weird that people from Texas will wear shirts or sweatshirts that just say "Texas" on it. So naturally when I put it on it reminded me of this conversation so I sent him a snap of me wearing it and the fact that it said Texas and he opened and didn't respond until like 2 hours later. And. It. Was. Just. A. Picture. Of. His. Face. ... Frustrating. So I was over responding but I did this morning because I thought that it was something that could maybe strike up a conversation, which it did not. So I opened it a few hours ago and I don't thin that I am going to snap him back because I don't know, it sounds lame but it hurts my feelings because I actually like this stupid boy. So in an effort to preserve my own heartache I am just going to not answer and we will see if he makes any sort of attempt to talk to me, because if he doesn't then I have my answer of if he likes me back or not, and I am just going to have to be okay with whatever it is.
Alright, I think that this is the last of it. I made a bold move, and honestly it went about how I expected it to, even though it is not the way I hoped it would be. But today I snapped him through the chat and said something along the lines of "Okay, I am just gonna be straight for a second.. I just don't know what we're doing here" and he responded pretty quickly which I did not expect, but I was at work so I could not check my phone right away. So I saw that he replied but then before I had the chance to see what he said he sent another snap so obviously I was a little nervous. But after I finished that class, the last class of the night, I opened it and it said something like "honestly I don't know what we're doing. What do you think" that was the first snap he sent, and then 20 minutes later he sent "Well I think your cool and cute but I am dealing with some stuff right now and I don't think I an in a good place for a relationship". So a little upsetting but I can appreciate his honesty. So I responded by saying something like "okay cool I think we are on the same page then, sorry it has just been on my mind the last few days", and I don't remember exactly what he said after this, but it was something like "I just have a lot of shit I'm dealing with right now". So I said "yeah I get that, Im sorry, I don't know how much help it would be but if you ever need anything, even just to talk, I got you". And then he said "alright thanks". And then I didn't respond because obviously like the conversation was over. So I guess in a way I am glad that now I know because if you have read anything until this point, it had been causing some chaos and confusion in my mind, but also like that stings a little bit. Like this is what I didn't want because now I already know that we are probably just never gonna talk again and like, that sucks. That really freaking sucks, but I mean I get that we won't because why would we. I don't know. Shit. Im gonna go listen to a sad playlist.
Okay so I thought that we weren't gonna talk again, but he is still snapping me. And like I haven't responded to a couple, but he is still snap chatting me so i'm confused.
Alright I thought that we were gonna be done with this. I was sure it was over but I was mistaken. So basically I had been ignoring him for a couple of days, but then one morning I got a notification that it was his birthday so (maybe I should have just left it) but I snap chatted him happy birthday. Once we exchanged the b day snaps I left him on read again and didn't respond. But every time that I have stopped responding to him, within a day or two he will send me another snap. Not with any words, just his face, but he will always send something... what does that mean? So anyways my point is that we are still kind of talking and I have plans to go to college station this weekend to watch Trents last volleyball game with Madison and Michelle, he has a tournament this weekend, but, unfortunately, Nolan is on the volleyball team as well... so, I will probably end up seeing him. And I know I am dramatizing this whole thing but I am stressed about it and it is frustrating because because I pretend like I don't care but I definitely DO care.
Okay so its been a couple of weeks since this happened but I guess I will finish the story. So I went to the volleyball tournament on Friday with Madison and we ended up being late and ended up missing their game, but we still stayed to watch the other teams play, and we were just sitting in the stands watching and whenever Trent was free from having to help with reffing or keeping score he would come sit with us. But Nolan was the one reffing the game and at one point he came kind of close to where me and Madison were sitting I guess because his friends were over there and so we made eye contact and he was like "did y'all see us get demolished by them?" (apparently they lost really bad) but anyways we just had a really short conversation about how we missed the game, and then he went back to talking to his friends and then reffing. That was all we saw of him that night. And then Saturday apparently they had a tournament that went all day so basically me madison and michelle were at the rec all day watching them play, BUT Nolan had work that day so he never came to play, which honestly I had mixed emotions about because I kind of wanted to see him and see him play, but also I didn't want to see him because it was awkward and weird and just felt uncomfortable. But he never showed so I guess it worked out. Then Saturday night we were gonna go over to Nathan's house for a little get together with just a few of the volleyball players to celebrate their last tournament, so me Madison and Michelle were getting ready at Madison's, and when Trent got there he told me that Nolan was going to be there. And I mean when he said that I almost started feeling sick like it made me so nervous. So I did not want to go at all, I legit faked feeling sick and went to bed so that they would go without me. And the next morning they said that when they got there that Nolan had just left so it would have been fine but whatever it was probably best that I did not go anyways I was so freaking flustered. But anyways the conclusion of the Nolan saga is that when I was driving back home to Abilene I snapchatted him and told him that, well actually i'll just quote it. I said "hey can I ask you something, or I guess tell you something?
Okay well im just gonna send this regardless but somewhere along the road I guess I kinda caught feels, like a little bit. BUT I know that that is not anything that you want...
so my point is that like can we just not snap for a while cause like idk its hard" That is what I said, I know embarrassing right. But anyways he responded by like saying sorry and he never meant to make things hard for me but he gets it and understands and apologized again. And I opened it, read it, and did not respond. Instead I cried. I CRIED!!!! OVER THIS BOY!??? who am I? whatever I guess I did kind of catch feels more than I thought but oh well now it is over and we haven't talked since. So theres the conclusion:/
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